Yes, this is a real Am I The Asshole, not one where the answer is super obvious and the user is just looking to have their ego stroked.
My SO has BDD and genuinely thinks they look ugly naked. I think they’re 1000% incorrect and that they’re the sexiest human alive, and I would die happy if I could see them naked all the time.
I was diagnosed with a condition called Cone Rod Dystrophy which basically means I’ll lose color vision, then all vision. The timeline is anywhere from next week to 50 years from now.
I want to see them naked every chance I can get so I can cement it in my head before I go blind, but I feel gross for posing that as a reason to let me see them naked.
Like, in the 10 years we’ve been together I’ve never even asked them for a hand job if they didn’t feel up to sex because I didn’t want to seem like a callous asshole, so this would be a big ask from me.
To add in complications, they’re also on the spectrum. Not a criticism since I’m most likely on it too.
I really appreciate your answer
But the fact that I’ve never pushed anything is actually part of the issue. I’ve been happy to let my SO go at their own pace, but by their own admission it’s why I don’t get the sexual gratification I’d enjoy. Like, when we first started dating they were the ones pushing me to engage in penetrative sex while I wanted to hold off.
Although that backfired on me because my penis doesn’t work.
I also identify as demi, and In day to day life when stuff needs to get done sex just never occurs to me. I think when your partner says ask, they genuinely mean it. It’s possible for a demi or ace to just forget sex exists entirely for a while.
I also have been in the position where when my partner asked I felt pressured. Maybe talk about making space for intimacy, and designate a time where you focus your attentions solely on each other. Time where you can sit together and cuddle and talk, not putting any pressure or expectations on having sex but instead enjoying each other’s company. Physical touch should be a part of it, but also be genuinely ok with that whether it escalates or not.
Recreate that “date night” feeling, just at home in any hour or half-hour window of time you might have, as long as you can put life aside for a little.
Asking once is not pushing. I have C-PTSD and because to that issues with self worth and fears of abandonment. I still get that my spouse and I need to communicate our needs and thoughts. So I get that it’s hard and I know that these conversations can be painful. It’s still totally possible and necessary to talk about this but the amount of excuses you come up with in this thread make it seem like the issue is more on your than on your SOs side since you seem to have hell of a problem to communicate your needs without feeling bad for it (no offense intended, the struggle is real!).
Having needs is normal, that they sometimes conflict with the comfort zone with your SO is also normal. If you feel like you can’t talk to them, write a letter, let them read it in peace and answer you in their preferred way.