Context: I’m in my early 30s. I’ve only been on a date like once in my life a decade ago and it was awkward and I hated it. The guy was nice but I didn’t know what I was doing and then he wanted to kiss and I didn’t (and still don’t) know how to do that either and I found it unpleasant.
I do not have the capacity for attraction like 99% of the world does, so I figured it meant that I cannot date anyone since I am incompatible with the world. I have always been that way and it was very confusing growing up. It’s ok for the most part but it can get a bit lonely.
I also have intense social anxiety. My only friends are online and one coworker.
Well I will be visiting with a stranger who I am closer on the same page with in terms of them not instantaneously expecting sex. But I am panicking a little bit still and still don’t know what to do about the attractiveness thing. I’ve not done anything like this before.
We’re going to a nature trail. Tbh I wish it was an environment where I could have a drink because that helps me relax, but it doens’t really make sense in this context lol.
I guess I don’t know what kind of responses I’m looking for but idk help lol
Thanks
Boy do I have exciting news for you! You can definitely have a drink hiking! Remember though pack in pack it out, keep them trails clean ja!
There’s is nothing that 99% of people agree on - everything is a sliding scale. Be yourself. Share things you feel comfortable sharing and give then space to do the same. Periods of silence are ok. They’re probably also nervous and think they’re the not normal one.
Since you’re in an unusual situation, it may help set your mind at ease if you simply open up with a very short, but earnest chat about setting expectations.
Just something like “hey, I just wanted to get this off my chest, but I’m not really good at stuff like this, and I kinda just want to hang out and see how things go. i don’t know how I feel about physical affection, but I know it takes me a long time to warm up to people, and i want to give you a chance but don’t want to get your hopes up or anything. that okay with you?”
That last line is pretty key, as it gives the other person an early opt out chance. It’s like “click here to accept the terms and conditions” basically. Then once the pressure is off, just hang out and see if you get along.
Kissing isn’t hard btw, a single kiss is pretty much impossible to fuck up unless you’re massively overthinking it and going a little crazy. A make out session can be judged, but a single kiss doesn’t really last long enough to be able to really fuck it up in any even semi-reasonable way. It’s sort of like a handshake, even going way, way too hard or soft is just “whatever” since its so brief.
One of the cornerstones of a good “romantic” relationship is friendship. I personally don’t believe a relationship can survive without it. My wife is many things to me, one of which is my best friend.
Building friendships is a process that takes time and can’t be forced. So don’t put too much pressure on one evening. Don’t worry about where you’re going to be with this person in a week or a month. You have no way of knowing that. Dates are just opportunities for you both to get to know each other, share experiences that you enjoy and just have fun in general.
Even “normal” people don’t feel physical attraction constantly. My wife still loves me even when I’m not particularly sexy and vice versa. Besides, real beauty is more than skin deep.
You’ll need to have an open, honest discussion about expectations if you ultimately want to keep seeing each other but that’s a conversation for another day. This time, just try to relax and have fun.
Sounds like you aren’t “normal”. Personally, I think that’s awesome. I’m not too normal myself. Don’t get caught up in fitting that normal mold. It’s your life, and you may not want or need what most people consider normal.
Dates should be fun. There’s a lot of pressure to “Make sure you do everything right so you can live happily ever after” but that’s not the right way to look at it.
You’re just going on a hike with someone. At the end, you may feel like you’ve made a new friend, or you might realize that this is not someone you want as a friend. No pressure to run off and get married, just start with seeing if this is someone you enjoy spending time with.
Attraction might come, or it might not. Just be honest with the other person. Do what feels right. Don’t let them push you into a relationship that you don’t want, and don’t let them believe that it’s headed that way if you’re sure it isn’t. You may never get past the point of “just friends” but that’s ok, continue being friends, and continue to meet new people until you find someone that flips that switch for you.
And if no-one does “flip that switch for you,” then that’s ok too.
You know, one thing you won’t have to worry about on the nature trail is farting! Don’t know whether you have any issues with letting one rip on a first date, but that is one thing you won’t have to worry about today. You can even have baked beans for breakfast and just relax. So, put that down in the plus column!
Don’t over think it. You’re going for a walk and the other person is going on the same walk. Talk about your experience on the walk, ask about theirs. Let conversation happen.
If you’re going to be attracted to this person, you’ll know.
It’s possible that you’re just asexual like 1 out of every 100 people. It’s possible that there are circumstances of your past that contribute to this and your social anxiety. A therapist should be able to help sort that out.
Yes we actually “met” on a website for asexual people which I why I feel a lot less pressure in this sort of scenario than way back when I went on a date with a non-asexual person. Weirdly though, a lot of asexual people still want to make out and have sex, but in general it’s not as much as non-asexuals. Thank you, though. I will try to just enjoy the walk and chat.
Especially given this context, maybe you can be upfront about your uncertainties with them?
It’s probably easier said than done, but try to remember that they likely already find you attractive, or they wouldn’t have agreed to the date.
I don’t mean that no one finds me attractive (not that I am some level of celebrity beauty or anything). I mean the other way around. I don’t have the capacity to find others attractive.
Don’t get me wrong, I can tell the difference between a good looking and an ugly person. It just doesn’t do much for me. It’s like having a nice landscape painting. It’s nice but I don’t feel some type of way about it.
So you’re asexual. That’s the sort of thing you want to let a romantic partner know pretty early on.
Having adult conversations about expectations is one of the beauties of being an adult. You can have the conversation early on about what you do and don’t want. And then if it doesn’t match what they want, go on your separate ways.
So focus on getting to know the person and try to enjoy the hike. Long term, the real beauty of any relationship (be it romantic, family, or something else) is having people you can like spending time with and can trust worth your celebrations and troubles.
Yes that’s basically all I want out of any type of relationship!
Hi! I have social anxiety too. Had it my whole life in one form or another.
I think it’s cool you’re going on a “sort of” date. For me, doing things out of the comfort zone can be hard. What are your hopes for the date - like are you wanting to form a friendship? Looking to gain dating experience? Or maybe looking for a partner? If you were my friend, I’d probably say that you don’t need to do anything you’re not comfortable with, even of it feels like you “should” want to. Walking on a nature trail sounds like a good time. I hope you have fun!
Perhaps have a little chat with them about love languages (more accurately called appreciation languages) would help. Figure out together how each of you prefer to show and receive appreciation.
If physical affection of kissing isn’t your thing, do you like other physical affection? Or do you prefer quality time, gifts, etc.? Are you interested in providing them physical affection at some point down the line if that’s something that would make them feel appreciated? If not, let them know, so they can decide if that’s a deal breaker or if they’ll appreciate however you can show your affection.
This doesn’t have to be a serious talk. There are plenty of love languages quizzes out there, and those can be fun to do together to learn about someone (partner, friend, coworker, etc.).
Ask him what he would like to know about you.
