To be more specific, my parents raised my siblings and me to “respect” them, saying "yes sir, and “no ma’am” to everything they said. Spankings, all of that. Typical super conservative evangelical parents. Before I learned better, I was that way too. I went to college and since then have embraced the left more and more.
They’ll say things now and then that are really distasteful politically. Today I made an Instagram post about DeSantis lying about liberal states allowing post-birth abortions and I got several family members railing against me. I’m tired of staying quiet when this happens. I think that, because how my parents raised me, I’m afraid to speak my mind to older family members. Fuck that though.
Has anyone else had this experience? I wonder if therapy would help. I just don’t know how to explain it.
It’s a good question and you’ve gotten some good answers. I’m going to lock this as it is getting political and we don’t have the bandwidth to mod it well.
Here’s my experience:
My wife and I both grew up very conservative evangelical. Over the last 15 years, we went from right to left (which I’m so happy to have had someone on that path).
Meanwhile, a good chunk of our family has gone hard right or turned a blind eye to those who do. My wife and I have taken different approaches. I dropped off all social media where family was. I’ve established my own boundaries based on how batshit crazy they are and how much I want to stay in touch.
Cousin who posts all the conspiracy shit? I’ll see you at wedding and funerals.
Dad who was an amazing father but listens to Tucker Carlson too much? We typically have 2 hours of conversation before we get to politics. So that’s how long we spend together.
My wife deals with that stuff better. She posts on social media but in a kind and persuasive way, never arguing or getting mad on there, even though she is.
For me, the biggest reason why it’s been good to take the more soft approach is the number of people who reach out to us (mostly my wife) because they are beginning to change their views too. They need a safe place to ask questions. This has included a niece who confided that she’s gay and a sibling who went from moderate republican to climate activist vegan. Coming out the other side together bonds us even more.
So, boundaries. Be firm, but kind. Be patient and inviting for those asking questions. Also, yes therapy.
I feel cynical about this and don’t think we live in a time when most people’s minds can truly be changed. Therefore I choose not to engage most people about politics and so find it easier to like people.
Many people in this thread changed their mind over time.
Well, things went well for a while because we didn’t talk about things. Now we don’t talk at all.
I don’t argue anymore. You can’t logic them out of something they didn’t logic themselves into.
My father is too far gone and considered an “intellectual” man. My mom thinks she’s “not that smart” (cool, thanks da), but she’s become so much more open and accepting as she’s gotten older and has shifted a lot of her views to be more progressive. Maybe because she realizes that my father, despite being very intelligent, is also an absolute moron who wrecks all his relationships. They’re still together, though.
Therapy can help you cope with the situation, yeah.
My siblings are almost fully split on our views on religion and stuff.
Youngest to oldest: pastor, party girl, anxious wreck withdrawn from society, ex-military, brow-beaten family man, severe mental-illness-ridden mother, literal cult member, golden child/took over family business, ex-Rainbow gathering stereotype, and depressed IT guy who loves drugs, dogs, and the outdoors.
Things get better when you get far away from parents like this. Seriously.
Holy fucking shit your parents had TEN kids?
Religion is a hell of a drug.
Yeah, it wasn’t great. They didn’t believe in birth control and did very much believe that if they had another child, it was God’s will & He would provide.
We’re all pretty fucked up mentally. Don’t love that part.
Whoever downvotes this man, out of touch. We have almost 8 fucking billion people on this planet. Our resources are already stretching. We have enough kids already, 10 is just purely arrogant, and seriously do people not think about what sort of world their kids will grow up in?
We hit 8 billion a few months ago actually.
I don’t. We don’t talk. Relatives of mine, including one of my parents, sank into vaccine conspiracies, then followed that pipeline to Qanon, and then explained to me how they were waiting for Trump to lead his secret army to take down the government of my non-english-speaking, european country.
I gave them their keys back, I got my keys backs, I blocked them everywhere, I nuked my accounts on the social media they use (and where their posts steadily got worse). It’s a hard decision, I still think about it often still (it’s been nearly two years), but I will never talk to them again.
Granted, your parents are still alive, but I feel like the only appropriate response is to say that I’m sorry for your loss.
One of my brothers is in an interracial gay marriage, my sister is in an interracial international gay marriage, and I married a trans woman. So they’re kind of running out of things they can bitch about in front of us.
Just totally stopped communicating. Not for everyone, but some things don’t get better.
Sometimes this approach is the best. What do you actually gain from arguing with people who have no good faith basis for their arguments? It sounds like a headache
More than just a headache, it starts to haunt you and degrade mood and performance. The effects literally become toxic. Doesn’t feel good to cut something off either, but sometimes it’s the better alternative.
